Losing a Grandparent
Grandparents are a safe haven in a child’s world. They’re full of hugs and kisses, tell fun stories, and spoil us when we’re kids!
Grandparents tend to be less judgmental than our parents; so as we grow older, we rely on the wisdom they can offer, from years of life experience.
A Child’s Reaction
Often the first experience with death in a child’s life is that of a beloved grandparent. In turn, one of the most difficult of all things to do is tell a child his/her grandma or grandpa has died.
However, children understand more than we grown-ups think. Thus, when someone close to a child dies, it is best not to avoid the situation. Tell them gently, but directly. The child should be told as soon as possible, avoiding the risk that news of the death will be heard from someone else. Receiving this news in a secondhand manner can result in a greater shock and a longer grieving period. Children can and do handle the news of the death — often better than adults.
Naturally inquisitive, a child may have many questions about the finality of death and the funeral process. Listen to your child’s questions and answer them as simply as possible; without trying to over-explain or interpret his/her questions. This is a natural way to come to terms with death and the grief that accompanies it.
How do children grieve? They may feel the need to cry. Do not tell a child, “Be brave, don’t cry.” Encourage this natural outpouring of emotions. If your child wants to talk about the deceased grandparent, engage in an open, honest conversation. Hugging and touching often comforts young children who can sense grief in you and need to be assured that they are loved.
Answering Questions
If asked, “Why did Grandpa die,” a child will likely be satisfied to know that he got very sick. Allow them to develop their own thoughts regarding this situation; if they want to know more, you can be certain more questions will follow.
Above all, be honest. Telling a child that “Grandpa is just sleeping,” may cause a fear in him/her of falling asleep and never waking; or he/she may believe that Grandpa will wake up soon.
If you are not certain of how to answer your child’s questions, ask your funeral director to suggest resources that can help you. There are many books and videos on the subject, plus another brochure in the Families In Transition® series called “Children and Death.”
The Funeral
Professional bereavement counselors agree that it is a good idea to take your child to the funeral service, but not to force them to attend. A funeral serves a number of psychological needs for children as well as adults.
It is a celebration of the decedent’s life, an affirmation of the death that has occurred, and a time for sharing memories with family members and friends. Funerals give meaning to the experience of death; a funeral can be an important lesson for children. Be sure to offer children a careful explanation of the funeral before they decide whether or not to attend.
It is important to remember the child’s relationship with his/her grandparent has not ended; it has only changed. After the funeral, keep pictures and other reminders of the grandparent around to spark conversations with your child. This will help form a new set of emotional bonds with his/her grandparent.
Dealing with Grief
The grief process is not a series of neat, separate stages; it is more like an emotional roller-coaster ride. Experiencing the pain of grief includes the literal physical pain that many children experience and the emotional and behavioral pain associated with the loss.
It is necessary to acknowledge and work through this pain, or it will manifest itself through some symptom or other form of abnormal behavior. Being able to identify the common reactions lets you know that the feelings your child is having are considered normal for people in grief. However, identifying and coping with these reactions can be extremely difficult. You may want to take your child to a counselor. Sometimes just knowing there is someone to talk to can relieve some of the emotional, physical, and behavioral reactions.
Common reactions to grief:
Emotional Reactions